Usually I’m not one to be unhappy or depressive or whatever??? It’s very unlike me, but… it’s true. I’ve slowly come to realize recently, that I really, really, really do not like myself.
And it feels like I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, because when I try, I get shrugged off, or I feel I wouldn’t be understood so I don’t bother. So here I am, posting this on tumblr under a cut ‘cause I really do feel better when I talk about my feelings, and I want to feel better… but I don’t really want all the ass-pats I know I would get by posting on a journal, and I’ve also turned my asks off for a bit.
I just… I just really want to get how I feel out. That’s all this is.
So, yeah, I don’t know. I just don’t like who I’ve become. When I was younger I always pushed to be positive and happy, and that was alright. Then I pushed to become more confident—and of course I am still pushing for this, but… I-I don’t understand. I feel like I’m not a nice person anymore. I feel like I’m really horrible and not all that admirable beyond my art, and that I’ve been trying to fool myself by saying I’m nice and rational and good. And realizing that makes me really sad.
I see people on tumblr, people I admire, and notice how well they seem to avoid drama, or if they get it, that they take it with a great big smile of genuine kindness and chipper, and I wish I could be like that. I wish I could be so likeable.
For the first time in my life, I don’t want to be popular. Because I feel right now that nothing I do is right, and any turn I make is wrong. And I hate to see that being subject to so many viewers. I want to just fuck up in private, y’know? But of course it doesn’t work that way.
And I… well I don’t know if it’s really good or not. I think because I’m subject to all of you guys it’s made me realize how imperfect I am, and how much I really don’t care for who I’ve become. But I don’t know how to change it… I don’t know how to be something I admire. I don’t know how to keep my terribleness in, besides suppressing myself. And I know I can’t do that because it will drive me insane and truly make me depressed. I need to express how I feel about things, I just need to find a way to be good again. Yet it has such a terribly close line with being yourself and confident and cool, and being meek and passive and someone people walk over. I don’t know how to find a self in all that I like. And it’s so frustrating.
I just want to start over.
I want to build myself anew.
I want to be someone I don’t dislike.